Banter
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Perry has always used humor to keep himself distracted from his less desirable emotions, but Pinky has finally had enough of his sarcastic jokes and wants him to stop it. Unfortunately, Perry is hurt when he finds out, and distances himself from Pinky. Pinky finds that winning back Perry's friendship is not an easy task.
1. Chapter 1

"Oh… oh Delores… I can't believe it… you were so young…"

The handsome young man placed a hand on the beautiful girl's arm. "Delores… can you hear me, somehow? Oh Delores… what caused your end?"

"Dating you." Perry answered, stuffing his mouth full of popcorn. "Does he die yet?"

"Perry!" Pinky the Chihuahua chided. "Be quiet! Other people are trying to watch the movie."

"You said they both die at the end." Perry said. "I came here expecting to see some sick awesome death scenes. Where's the death, huh? So far only Dewhatsis has kicked the bucket."

"It's so beautiful." Peter the panda sobbed from next to Perry.

"Yeah, that desk they got in the background is pretty nice looking. Wonder how long they took to shellac it. Why do they keep zooming in on that guy's face? They need to get some more shots of the desk. I bet that desk didn't even get full pay for being in the movie. I bet he's an un-credited appearance. We need to fight for that desk's rights!"

"Perry! It's a DESK." Pinky hissed. "Not only that, it's a desk in a MOVIE."

"Sorry, I ramble when I'm bored. The other thing I do is drink water. But that doesn't always work out, because it makes me have to…"

"Shh!" Pinky said.

"OH DELORES!" The man on the screen shouted. "DELORES!"

"Dude, no matter how many times you scream that lady's name, she won't be able to hear you." Perry informed him. "She is DEAD, after all. I mean, get with the program, man."

"I cannot live in my despair." The man said. He fell down dead.

The two bodies of Delores and her boyfriend were viewed from above.

"The end" appeared on the screen, followed by cheerful music.

"That was a tragic waste of twenty bucks." Perry said. "Well, actually fifteen, because this popcorn's really good."  
"You didn't HAVE to come to the movies with us." Pinky grumbled.

"Who else would have provided you with commentary on how stupid this movie was? I mean, Deloulou just choked on a cherry pit! And I don't even fully understand how the GUY died. Those were very unspectacular deaths."

"You don't understand the metaphors." Peter said, taking a sip of soda. "The cherry pit was a metaphor for all of Delores's minor weaknesses in life. When her weaknesses block her from doing something, no matter how small they may be, they will eventually build up and lead to her end."

"Uh huh. So, her weaknesses led her to choke on a cherry pit."

Peter sighed.

The actors' names began to flash on the screen.

"Tragic Timothy, played by Rahthor Nawt. Delores played by Kendrine Adems." Pinky read.

"Now I really want my money back!" Perry said. "Well, at least I got to see Kendrine killed by a cherry pit."

"It's a tragic tale." Peter said. "With a tragic end."

"Well, might as well get something to eat." Perry said.

"You had three bags of popcorn." Pinky said.

"Hey, when I'm nervous, I eat."

"What part of the movie made you nervous?" Pinky asked.

"When Trevor Bentley was being chased down by the police."

"He was the bad guy!"

"I took a liking to him. He was the only character in that movie that actually had personality."

Pinky rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Perry."

Perry frowned. "Don't get mad. I'm only kidding around."

"You talked through the WHOLE MOVIE!" Pinky said. "And you clapped whenever something bad happened!"

"Sorry." Perry said. "I didn't mean EVERYTHING I said. Okay, maybe I did, but I meant it in a different way."

Pinky smiled a little. "Don't worry about it. And next time, don't force yourself to sit through a movie you don't like."

"Good point. No need to waste hours of my life." Perry said.

* * *

Perry waited anxiously by the window for Phineas and Ferb to come home. He couldn't wait until it was summer again, and the boys would be home all day.

Finally the bus pulled up alongside the house. Perry ran to the front door.

Phineas opened the door and came in first. "I'm gonna throw up." He moaned.

"What happened? Are you sick?" Perry asked him.

"Uh huh." Phineas crawled over to the couch and lay down.

Ferb entered the house and closed the door.

"What's wrong with Phinny?" Perry asked him.

"Well, he got sick around this morning, but mom sent him to school anyway. Then he threw up while we were waiting for the bus to go home."

"Poor kid." Perry said sadly.

"It went on the sidewalk and Benny slipped on it. Then Jack tripped over him and landed right in it."

"That's fun." Perry said.

"After that, he felt a lot better. But then on the bus Buford ate ten hamburgers at once and Phineas got sick again."

"Aww. Anything I can do to help? Does he need some grass?"

Ferb shook his head. "Humans heal differently."

"Right. I keep forgetting."

"I'm gonna play a video game." Ferb said. He turned on the TV.

Perry jumped up on the couch and sat on Phineas.

"Ow." Phineas muttered.

"That couldn't have hurt. I only weigh like eight pounds."

"ZOMBIE FLESH EATING ACTION!" Said the TV. "Push START GAME to create your own zombie and start getting to those gooey greasy guts!"

"Ugh." Phineas moaned. He covered his face. "Now I'm really gonna throw up."

"SPEED ROUND!" Said the game. "Eat as many pancreases as you can before time runs out!"

"OH YEAH." Ferb said. His little customized zombie rushed around the screen.

"I'm thinking about some rug art right about now as well." Perry said.

* * *

When Perry entered his lair the next day, Monogram wasn't on the screen.

He was standing by Perry's chair.

Perry blinked at him.

"Ah, Agent P. I just needed to talk to you about something." Monogram gestured to the chair, and Perry sat down. "I'm sure you are aware that you barely passed Baby Care training."

Perry nodded. He remembered putting the doll thing they'd given him in the blender.

"And you've managed to have two pups."

Perry held up his hands.

"Four?" Monogram sighed. "Oh Perry. I got so busy, and I didn't get you fixed or talk to you about any of this stuff…"

"What stuff?" Perry chattered. "Do please go into graphic detail."

"Anyway, I think you need to learn to be more caring as a father." Monogram handed him an egg. "It's an unfertilized chicken egg. I want you to take care of that for a week and bring it back to me completely intact, no cracks, dents, or scratches."

"What if it rots?" Perry asked.

"Since you're a platypus, taking care of an egg should be fairly normal."

"Yes, because in the wild, we adopt breakfast eggs and happily wait until the day when the little baby yolk hatches."

"No cracks." Monogram warned. He left the lair.

"You know, taking care of a real baby platypus is a heck of a lot harder." Perry called after him.

* * *

"I named it Elvis." Perry said.

Phineas looked at the egg sleepily. "Is it a baby platypus?"

"No, it's not even a baby chick. It's just a normal egg."

"We had to take care of eggs once for school." Ferb said. "We sent our eggs to Hawaii on a tiny airplane. The airplane exploded over the school and the eggs safely parachuted down into the school yard."

"Even then, we failed." Phineas said. "I don't know why. I mean, they weren't cracked. And they had helmets and parachutes." He lay his head down on the kitchen table. "Ugh. I feel horrible."

"Tell mum, then." Ferb said. "You've been sick since yesterday."

"Man, I could really go for a milkshake." Perry said. He poured some milk in the blender and added ice cream. "You two want some?"

"Sure." Phineas said.

"Can I have egg in mine?" Ferb asked.

Perry raised an eyebrow.

"Kidding." Ferb said. "But I do want chocolate syrup."

"Can I draw Elvis hair on Elvis?" Phineas asked.

"Go ahead." Perry said.

Phineas drew on the top of the egg with a black marker. "There. Now he looks stylish." He mumbled.

Perry switched on the blender and tossed in an extra ingredient he found lying on the counter. The blender whirred angrily.

"Youuuu… caar…" It garbled.

Perry stopped the blender and poured the milkshake into three glasses. "It's ready."

Phineas took a small sip.. "Eew, I just got cloth in my mouth. What did you put in this thing?"

"Ice cream, milk, eggs, a Carlos the Caring Clown doll…"

"Ew!" Phineas said.

"Just drink around the Carlos carnage." Ferb suggested.

Phineas shook his head. "I'm not that hungry."

"Feel better." Perry said. He grabbed a straw and put it in his glass.


	2. Chapter 2

"Help save the giant pandas in China." Carrie the cat said, sticking a bumper sticker on Perry's arm.

Perry looked at it. It had a picture of a baby panda on it. "SAVE THE PANDAS" was printed across the sticker.

"What are you doing this for?" Perry asked.

Carrie handed a sticker to Pinky. "To save the giant pandas."

"But you're a cat."

"If cats start going extinct, it'll be nice to have the pandas on our side." Carrie said.

"So now I'm your walking advertisement?" Perry asked.

"It comes off with water." Carrie said. "I think."

"That's okay. I have my chainsaw if all else fails."

Carrie's eyes grew wide.

"Carrie. I'm kidding."

Carrie breathed a sigh of relief and pattered toward a group of iguanas.

Peter the panda skipped into the O.W.C.A main room. He ripped the sticker off of Perry's arm and looked at it. "Cool sticker!"

Perry gave a yelp and fell to the ground, clutching his arm.

"Oops." Peter said, looking at the back of the sticker, which was decorated with teal fuzz. "Sorry."

"That's okay." Perry bit his lip, trying to keep himself from wailing with pain. "It's happened to this arm before. With a Carlos sticker. And Devon another time."

"Can I keep it?" Peter asked. "I agree with its statement."

"Go ahead." Perry stood up.

"Sorry." Peter said again.

"The fur will grow back EVENTUALLY."

"Guess what?" Darren the duck ran into the room. "Monogram put an indoor pool in the O.W.C.A sports room!"

"AWESOME!" Peter said.

"There's a really deep end, a deep end, a shallow end, and a REALLY shallow end he just put in that's more like a puddle."

"Why'd he put that in?" Asked Pinky.

"Moments after he installed the pool, Sergei the snail and Anthony the ant fell in and they had to be rescued- what happened to your arm?"

"Peter happened to my arm." Perry responded.

"I won't ask. Anyway, the really shallow end is for the really small agents. So they can swim, too."

"We should have a pool party!" Peter said.

"Put 'Party' as a suffix to something and Perry won't come." Darren said.

"I might." Perry mumbled. "I don't know.

"SAVE THE PANDAS!" Peter shouted at a couple of agents who had just entered the room, swinging around his bumper sticker. Bits of teal fluff floated gently through the air.

"You should come." Darren said. "If we do have a pool party, I mean. You like to swim."

"Do I?" Perry snapped. "I wasn't aware. Thanks for informing me."

"Ignore him." Pinky said. "He's just in a bad mood again."

"Why?" Darren asked.

"Guess." Perry said.

"SAVE THE PANDAS!" Peter shoved Alan the alligator over in a hug. "THEY ARE AMAZING CREATURES!"

* * *

Phineas was lying on the couch, surrounded by piles of tissues, with a blanket draped over him. Ferb was sitting close by.

Perry jumped onto Phineas.

"Ow." Phineas sniffled.

"Sorry." Perry lay down on his owner. "What are you watching?"

"Some infomercial." Phineas coughed a little.

"Have you ever wanted to get your nostrils in shape?" Asked the TV. "Tried every workout to get the nostrils you've always dreamed of, but with no results?"

"Is this thing for real?" Perry asked.

"Unfortunately, yes." Ferb answered.

"Try Nostril-Fit! In only sixty days, you'll have amazing nostrils! Let's hear from some of our satisfied customers."

"After I tried this nostril workout, I finally had my dream nostrils!" Said a lady. The television showed her using a strange nostril stretching technique.

"This is so wrong I can't even begin to tell you why." Perry said.

Ferb changed the channel.

"And now, the worm channel, bringing you many more fabulous worm facts!"

"That's better." Perry said.

Phineas made a face.

"Worms are very amazing creatures." Said the TV. "Worms can be free-living or parasitic. Parasitic worms can cause horrible diseases."

Phineas threw up.

"Aww. You okay?" Perry asked.

"It's watching them wriggle around on the screen!" Phineas moaned. "It's making me sick!"

"The tapeworm lives in the intestines of a host. Let's watch this speeded-up footage of a tapeworm, clenching onto an intestine wall…"

Phineas threw up again.

"Nice rug art." Perry said. "Looks kind of like a baby rhino, if you look at it from a certain angle."

Ferb changed the channel again. "Perry, what happened to your arm?"

"It had a fateful encounter with a panda-saving campaign." Perry said.

Phineas rolled over. Perry gripped on to the blanket with his claws. "So, did anyone figure out what happened with Phineas?"

"He has the flu." Ferb said.

Perry jumped down from the couch and crawled under the rug.

"What? He's only contagious to humans. I think."

"Germs." Perry whimpered.

Phineas coughed. "Get out from under the rug, Perry. It's lonely without you on the couch."

"I am not going up there. It's contaminated with g-g-g… those… creepy things."

"I think I heard one of the germs say that another germ was hosting a party under the rug, and every germ is invited." Ferb said.

Perry let the thought sink in.

He slowly backed out of the rug and sat up. "Fine. But I'm not getting close to him."

"And Glenda Germ is hoping that George Germ is going to ask her friend Gilda Germ to the party." Ferb said.

"Ferb, please be quiet." Perry said.

"I've never heard anyone say that to Ferb before." Phineas blew his nose.

"He has gotten a lot more talkative." Perry said. "Have you noticed?"

"He's just less shy around you and me." Phineas explained. "Can you get me an ice pack? My head feels really hot."

"Maybe the dance party got moved to Phineas's head." Ferb said. "Since the rug was already taken by a platypus butt."

"I'll get the ice pack. But you put it on him!"

* * *

Peter hung his fuzzy bumper sticker on the ceiling of his lair, dangling by a string.

"It looks very nice." Perry said.

"I wanted to stick it on the wall, but the fur prevented it from doing that." Peter said. "At least this way, it looks pretty. The panda is on one side, and your fur is on the other."

"It's like one of those fluffy keychains."

"Sort of, yes."  
"Guys, come out to the main room." Pinky said, poking his head into the door. "Monogram wants everyone to watch a movie with the new recruits."

* * *

Perry sat next to Pinky and Darren on the floor. He placed Elvis the egg in his lap.

"What's that?" Darren asked.

"My fake egg." Perry said. "I'm supposed to protect it."

"It has hair."

"Yes, yes it does."

Monogram switched off the lights, and a movie was projected onto the wall.

"POTTY TRAINING." Said the movie.

"Oh, great." Perry mumbled. "I already had to watch this movie seventy times when I was younger."

"Have you ever had to go?" The movie asked. "Usually, you probably just go wherever you happen to be standing. But that isn't always good. Today we're going to learn about going to the litterbox, the potty, or even just going outside. Now we will introduce some friends to you who will help you to learn. Can you say, 'Come out, friends!'?"

"Come out, friends!" Cheered the new recruits.

"Eggplant." Perry shouted out.

Behind him, Carrie started to giggle.

"That's right, it's Tommy Toilet Paper, Greta Grass, and Lizzy Litterbox!" The movie said.

"Hey, baby animals!" Said Tommy Toilet Paper. "Maybe you've seen me around before. I just love my job!"

"I'm gonna be sick if he isn't joking." Perry said.

"And I do, too!" Greta Grass said. "Not only do I get to keep fields all grassy green, but I also can help you by being somewhere to go when you need to go!"

"We'll teach you how to use us so you can be just like the bigger animals!" Said Lizzy Litterbox.

"Please don't bring us into this." Perry said.

"What better way to spend your time than learning about how to be a better trained animal?" Tommy gushed.

"I'd rather spend it with Elvis." Perry said. He started tickling Elvis's top. "Kootchy kootchy k-OOPS."

He had accidentally pressed too hard. He drew his finger back out of the hole that he had made. His finger was covered in yolk slime. "How come chickens can sit on these things like there's no tomorrow, and it stays perfectly intact? I TICKLE one and I kill it."

"Good thing it wasn't fertilized." Darren said.

"I know, right?"

"Be quiet, Perry." Pinky said.

"Why? You can't honestly want to listen to that toilet paper yak on about how much he enjoys it when he's rub-"

"Shut UP!"

"Fine, fine. But Elvis is having a little problem at the moment. Do you have any tape I could borrow?"

"Now, let's sing a song about litterboxes!" Lizzy said.

"…Because there are simply not enough litterbox songs in the world." Perry said.

Lizzy began to sing.

"Perry, if you seriously aren't enjoying this, then you should leave." Pinky said.

"I'm enjoying it." Perry frowned, hurt. "I like how stupid it all is."

"Oh, it's stupid, is it? Don't you remember how much this video helped you? When you were a little baby, going all over the floor every two seconds?"

"We are not arguing over this, Pinky."

"Oh, yes we are!" Pinky said. "If you think it's funny, then fine! But keep your comments to yourself!"

"Where's the fun in that? No one can hear them."

"Well, the new recruits like this video. So just be quiet and let them enjoy it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Look at them, smiling up in the front. They love it."

A baby narwhal stood up on his hind flippers and stood in front of the projection. "Guess whatsies?"

"WHATSIES?" Asked the new recruits.

"This movie is dumbie. Let us throw things at it."

"YAAAYY!" Cried the new recruits, grabbing anything they could find and flinging the objects at the wall.

"Yes, they adore it." Perry said. "I remember having a similar reaction. Except I threw pasta at it, not my comrades."

"AIIIEE!" Shouted Kyle the kangaroo as he was launched toward the wall.

"STOP THE PROJECTION, CARL!" Monogram shouted.

"DOOM AND DESTWUCTION TO THE EVIL TOILET PAPERIE!" Shouted the baby narwhal.

The projection was turned off.


	3. Chapter 3

Ferb and Perry stumbled into the house.

"What happened to you?" Linda shrieked, running over to Ferb, who was covered in small red bumps.

Ferb pointed to his left.

Linda sighed. "The neighbors. I should have known. I keep telling them that they need to keep their pet mosquitoes contained, but no! Mrs. Weaver insists on letting them 'be free'."

Perry chewed on one of his mosquito bites, but it only made it itch more.

"Don't move, either of you." Linda instructed. "I'm going to get the itch cream."

"That stuff stings." Ferb whined.

"That's how it works." Perry said. "It makes the spot hurt, and then it doesn't itch anymore. Magic. Hey, did I tell you about what happened to Elvis today? I tried to tickle him, and I bashed his head in."

"Good thing it's an unfertilized egg." Ferb said.

Perry produced Elvis out of his pocket. "I taped his head back up."

Ferb looked at the top and gave Perry a quizzical look.

"Yeah. Let's place bets on how miserably I will fail at taking care of this egg."

"At least you don't throw the egg up in the air like some parents do to their kids. Phineas told me that when he was a year old, mother's first husband threw him up in the air once, and he accidentally threw him sideways and he landed on Bucky the dog. Then Bucky got scared and started running around the room with Phineas on his back, and Bucky ran into the lamp and it crashed over on the table and the telephone fell off and landed on the emergency button and the police came and then the husband had to explain everything."

"Gosh. How did Phineas remember all that?"

"I don't know. I think Candace told him about it. Or perhaps the event was so traumatizing, it was seared into his memory."

Perry tossed Elvis in the air.

Elvis landed on Perry's head. Perry felt a little bit of liquid dripping down his face.

Ferb looked concerned.

Perry put Elvis back in his pocket. "This stuff feels sticky."

He tried to wipe his face off, but only succeeded in rubbing the egg into his fur.

Ferb went into the kitchen and came back with a water pitcher. He poured it on Perry's head.

Linda came back into the room. She was on the phone. "Look, Mrs. Weaver. All I'm asking is that you keep Miranda and Marvin contained somewhere. Ferb's completely covered in bug bites, and so is Perry."

Phineas trudged into the room. He had wrapped himself in a blanket. "Mom? Can I have a glass of water?"

"Mrs. Weaver, I'm sorry that Perry ate your lawn chair. But-"

"Mom?" Phineas croaked.

"I'm sorry, honey. Just a minute." Linda turned her attention back to the phone. "I am not going to keep him inside, Mrs. Weaver! …Look, a platypus can be let outside because it doesn't bite or carry disease!"

Perry shook himself off. Water splashed on both boys.

Phineas whimpered.

"Want a gummy worm?" Ferb asked Phineas.

Phineas nodded slowly.

Ferb pulled a baggie out of his pocket and tried to open it. "Tough bag."

"Please just keep your pets inside the house! And we really need to talk about the corn dogs. But another time. Phineas is very sick, and I still need to tend to Ferb and Perry…"

"MOOMM!" Candace screamed. "PHINEAS AND FERB TURNED MY ROOM INTO A GIANT PIZZA PALACE!"

Ferb yanked open the gummy bag. Rainbow worms flew through the air. Perry caught one in his mouth. Three landed on Phineas. One hit the ceiling light and knocked the lightbulb loose, which crashed to the floor and broke into many tiny pieces.

"Oops." Ferb said.

"Mrs. Weaver, I'm going to have to call you back." Linda grumbled. She hung up. "Phineas, honey, you should be in bed. Ferb, why is Perry all wet?"

Perry shook himself off again. This time he managed to soak Linda.

* * *

Perry ate his mashed worms and bugs happily.

"Mom!" Candace said. "Phineas isn't eating."

Phineas was staring at his plate. He looked extremely tired. Ferb was busy sneaking vegetables onto Phineas's plate. Phineas didn't seem to notice.

"Honey, are you really feeling that sick?" Linda asked.

Phineas didn't answer.

Ferb poured his milk into Phineas's glass when Linda turned her attention back to her food.

"Mom, Perry's getting his food all over the floor." Candace pointed out.

Perry padded over to her and drooled on her shoe.

"EW!" Candace shrieked.

"Give it a rest, Candace." Linda warned.

"My, Ferb, you ate fast." Lawrence commented, looking up from his book.

Ferb blinked.

"Mom, can we get a pet?" Candace asked.

"We already have Perry." Linda said.

"I meant a REAL pet. Like a bunny or a cat."

Perry went back to his bowl and began wolfing down more food.

"Oh, Candace. One pet is enough." Lawrence said.

Perry threw up on the floor to emphasize Lawrence's statement.

Phineas fell asleep on his plate.

Ferb poked him with a spoon. Phineas didn't react.

"I'm taking him to the doctor." Linda said. She stood up and patted Phineas on the shoulder. "Wake up, sweetie."

"Nooo." Phineas whined.

"Pea projectile!" Ferb said, placing a pea on his spoon and shooting it. It landed on Phineas's head.

"Ferb!" Linda chided.

"I thought it would cheer him up." Ferb said, looking sad.

"Ferb, honey, I know this is hard on you. But Phineas is really..."

"Why did Phineas and Ferb have to pick the blandest pet in the whole animal shelter?" Candace groaned, still focused on the earlier conversation.

Perry demonstrated his displeasure at her remark by jumping up on the table and landing in the middle of her dinner. Candace's milk glass fell on the floor. Her dinner splattered on everyone.

Perry rolled happily in the middle of the plate, covering himself in butter and vegetable bits.

"MOOOMM!" Candace screamed.

"I. Need. A break." Linda suddenly said, storming out of the kitchen. "I'm going to a hotel for a week. I'll email you a list of things to do while I'm gone."

The door slammed.

Lawrence didn't put his book down. "Wonderful, dear. Could you pick up some scones while you're out?"

"Dad." Candace moaned.

Lawrence looked up at her. "Hm? What did I miss?"

* * *

Lawrence printed out the list that Linda had emailed him. "Here we go. A list of what to do for you three and Perry."

Candace rolled her eyes.

Ferb blinked.

Phineas had already fallen in a dead faint on the floor three minutes before Lawrence had gotten the email.

"Let's see now…" Lawrence looked at the list. "Make breakfast. Hm… I wonder if this list is in order."

"It's in order, dad." Candace said.

Perry pawed at Lawrence. He wanted his breakfast.

"Let's see now… microwave some frozen pancakes for the kids… Ferb knows how to feed Perry…"

Perry walked over to Ferb and pawed at him instead.

"Well, I do believe there's some pancake batter in the fridge." Lawrence said, heading to the kitchen.

Ferb grabbed Phineas's hand and followed his father. Phineas dragged along the floor.

Lawrence poured some pancake batter on a plate and stuck it in the microwave.

Perry was pretty sure Lawrence didn't know what frozen pancakes were.

"How long am I supposed to cook these for, now?" Lawrence asked.

"Eight seconds." Candace said, coming into the kitchen.

"Well, okay." Lawrence switched on the microwave.

Ferb let go of Phineas's hand and opened up a can of platypus food. He dumped it into Perry's bowl and set it down on the floor.

Perry ate happily.

The microwave buzzed, and Lawrence took out the plate. "Here we go! Three pancakes."

Ferb poked one of the pancakes, which was still warm batter. He looked curiously up at Lawrence.

"Well, that didn't quite turn out like it was supposed to." Lawrence murmured. He put the plate on the counter and looked in the freezer. "Oh, frozen pancakes! I was supposed to put THOSE in- oh. Let me try again." He put a new plate in the microwave.

Perry jumped on the counter and licked the batter.

"Don't let him eat that, Ferb." Candace warned. "He'll get sick."

The microwave made a loud popping sound.

"Oh, now what's going on?" Lawrence asked.

"Dad, you didn't put PLASTIC in the microwave, did you?" Candace demanded.

"D'ya think that would cause the problem, then?"

The microwave caught on fire. Instantly the house's fire alarm started to blare, and sprinklers rained from the ceiling.

* * *

"Thank you, kind sir, for putting out that fire." Lawrence said.

"No problem." Said the fire chief. "Just as a question, though… what happened?"

"Well, I was making breakfast…"

"Say no more." The chief said. "Happens all the time."

"He was making frozen pancakes." Candace informed him.

The fire chief looked a little confused. "Ah. Well, stay safe. And I hate to alarm you, but there's a dead child on your kitchen floor."

"Oh, that's just my brother." Ferb said.

The fire chief looked even more confused. "Uh… well… bye." He left through the back door.

A cough was audible from the kitchen.

"I apologize, Phin." Lawrence said. "Breakfast is going to be a little late."

"Bed." Was the response.

* * *

"What's next now…"

Perry was trying to nap on the rug. Candace and Lawrence were sitting on the couch. Candace had turned on some weird teen drama show, and Perry wasn't very interested in it.

After his nap, he planned to go out in the backyard with Ferb. He wished Phineas could join them. Why did he have to get sick on Perry's day off?

Lawrence read aloud from Linda's list. "After you check the mail, you'll need to give Perry his weekly bath. Don't say 'weekly bath' in front of Perry or he will…"

Perry tore down the hall and leaped upstairs, two steps at a time. He tied a hygienic mask around his face before going into the boys' room.

Phineas was lying in bed, watching a movie. Ferb was sitting next to him.

"Look, Phineas. There's Perry."

Phineas leaned against Ferb's shoulder. "Perry." He croaked.

Perry climbed up on the bed and sat between them. "Whatcha watchin'?"

"The Day My Science Teacher Ate Milfred." Ferb said. "And after that movie's over, we're going to watch 'Beverly Is A Martian.'"

"Cool. I love sci-fi. So, who's this Milfred?"

"A girl who the science teacher eats."

"Why does he eat her?"

"Because he does."

"Cool."

"I hope dad doesn't burn the house down." Ferb said.

"So do I."


	4. Chapter 4

"How's this?" Ferb asked. He made a soft chattering noise.  
"Sounds like a very strange way of saying cup." Perry told him.

"Oh, come on! That was a good chatter."

"Not really. You pronounce cup like this: 'Cup.' You said 'Kuh-kuh-cup'."

"I should teach you how to speak English." Ferb said.

"I don't have the vocal cords for that."

"Say 'hi."

"Hhhhhhhhhhhgggh." Perry said.

"Close enough." Ferb decided.

"A lot closer than your stuttered 'cup'."

"Oh, stop it."

"Let's teach Phineas platypus." Perry said.

"He's asleep."

"No matter." Perry said. "Phineas, repeat after me. Say 'red'."

Phineas snored.

"That's 'fireplace', but very good!"

"His snore meant fireplace?" Ferb asked.

"Yep." Perry put his ear closer to Phineas as he slept. "Now he's snoring 'Fireplace anvil tortilla chip'. Needs to work on his diction, though. His words are slurring together."

"It must be quite difficult to learn a language that consists of chatters and snorts." Ferb said.

"I knew it ever since I was a baby. Not hard."

"I remember everything from my baby years." Ferb said. "Including my birth."

"All I remember from my first few days is that my brother licked me. And my mother had to keep dragging me and my siblings back to her little cave-place. We kept wandering off one at a time and she had to keep going out and getting us."

Ferb rubbed his head. "I have a bit of a headache. I'm gonna lie down."

"Want to watch something while you do so?"

Ferb nodded.

Perry felt a vibration. He reached into his pocket for his phone and felt something break. Liquid oozed over his hand.

Perry pulled his hand out. His fur was dotted with bits of eggshell, and dripping with yolk. "Whoops. Wrong pocket. Sorry, Elvis. Dang, it's gonna take forever for me to get that egg mess out of my fur pocket…"

"How do you have pockets?" Ferb asked.

"Surgeons can do just about anything." Perry said. He reached into his other pocket. "There's my phone. Hello?"

"Can you help me mail something?" Devon asked.

"Sure, what are you mailing? A corpse? Need me to help you stuff it in the box?"

"No, I'm mailing a package to my friend Gordy. He's a golden retriever who lives in Colorado."

"Sure. I'll be right there. Danville Post Office, right?"

"Yep. I just don't know HOW to mail it. There's some machine that does it since the post office is closed, but I don't know how to use it."

"I sort of know how to use it. See you in a sec." Perry hung up and stuck his phone back in his pocket. "Right after I wash my hand."

* * *

"I called Pinky and got his answering machine before I called you." Devon explained. "And then after you hung up Pinky called back and said he was on his way… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you out here when you could have stayed home."

"Nah, I'm fine."

Pinky was messing with the post machine.

"Hello, are you mailing a package or a letter?" The machine asked.

"Package." Pinky told it.

"Does your package contain any animal parts, hazardous materials, explosives, or liquids?"

"Of course." Perry said. "We're mailing our pygmy hippo with his favorite knife and weapons. Oh, and don't forget the matches and fireworks. And I think there may be some coffee in there."

"SHUSH, Perry!" Pinky hissed.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" The machine asked.

"That." Perry told it.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Perry, stop." Pinky said. "No." He told the machine.

"Please weigh your package." The machine said.

"Quick, Dev. Grab a pygmy hippo and put him on the scale." Perry said.

Pinky took Devon's package and set it on the scale.

"Thank you." Said the machine. "Please put your package in the hatch next to me. And have a nice day."

"We could have just put it in the hatch in the first place without going through all that." Perry said.

Pinky only sighed.

* * *

Pinky sat down in a chair across from Alan the alligator, who was showing Peter a magic trick.

"Was this your card?" Alan asked.

Peter shook his head.

"How about this one?"

"Yep. Actually, no."

Alan frowned. "Oh well. Hey, Pinky. Where were you?"

"At the post office, mailing something for Devon." Pinky said.

"Cool. I love that machine thing they installed there." Peter said. "I keep wanting to disassemble it and see how it works."

"Perry nearly overheated it." Pinky muttered. "He kept joking around with it."

"Don't be so hard on him." Alan said. "People who aren't happy usually try to keep their spirits up by making jokes. Remember, Terrence died pretty recently. It's still affecting him."

"I know. And I know he has fun joking around. It's just sometimes it gets really annoying. Like that one time at the movies when he wouldn't SHUT UP."

"He's growing more social." Alan said. "That's a good thing."

"I just get so annoyed with him! He doesn't stop! Sometimes I just wanna watch a movie without someone chattering about how stupid it is every two seconds. So what if Terrence or whoever it was died? People die! What's the big deal? Just get OVER it and stop bugging everybody else!"

The door opened. Perry walked into the room, and Pinky fell silent. Perry appeared both furious and upset.

"I need a paper towel." Perry said to Alan in a cold tone.

"Why? What happened?"

"Elvis's egg juice got in my pocket, and it's drying up. I'm going to wash off the inside of the egg and keep the shell."

"You'd think that giving an animal an egg to take care of is teaching them how to care for a baby, but maybe it's really teaching them how to clean up after them." Peter said.

Perry seemed about to say something, then decided against it.

Alan took a napkin from the dispenser on the table and handed it to Perry.

Perry pulled a pen from his pocket, scribbled something down on a corner of the napkin, tore it off, and handed it to Peter.

"There. You just witnessed the last of it." He snapped. He stormed out of the room, looking as though he were about to cry.

Peter read the napkin and smiled a little.

"What does it say?" Alan asked.

"It says, 'You're right! It's a conspiracy! Trying to teach us how to clean up baby guts in case our young wind up getting murdered!' Perry's so funny."

"Why didn't he just tell you-" Pinky began. Suddenly a thought occurred to him. "Oh… oh no. You guys don't think… Perry heard what I said, do you?"

"How could he?" Peter asked. "Perry walked in right after you ranted.

"And he's not the type who listens at doors. I think he's just upset about his egg. Not only did he basically fail the parenting test, but it does NOT feel good to have sticky, wet egg all over you." Alan said.

"I think he might have heard me." Pinky whispered.

* * *

Perry angrily rinsed off Elvis's shell, cracking it even more. At least it was still shaped kind of like an egg. Without a top.

He set Elvis down on the corner of the sink and wet the paper towel Alan had given him. He stared at it for a moment, and then burst into tears. It was incredibly embarrassing, but at least there wasn't anyone else around to see.

"Perry?"

Great.

Perry slumped down underneath the sink and choked down his tears. He threw the paper towel across the room and put his head in his hands.

Pinky tapped on him. "Uh… do you need help? Getting the egg cleaned up?"

"No." Perry wiped his eyes. "Go away."

"Perry… what I said… I didn't mean, I mean…"

"Shut UP."

"I'm just trying to apologi-"

"Terrence was a great animal. He was kind and compassionate. He was open to everyone. He would always console me when I was sad, and I could always joke around with him." Perry sniffed. "He protected me when no one else would stand up for me. I never even got to say goodbye."

Pinky was silent.

"So… no. I'm sorry, but I can't get over it. And I don't know when I'm going to. And if that bothers you, then maybe you should just stay the heck away from me."

"Perry, no. I didn't mean any of that. And I don't want to stay away from you. You're one of my best friends."

"Things were easier when I just ignored everyone." Perry choked. "People don't get mad at you if you let them be. Your hopes don't get smashed."

"Perry…"

"And maybe, just maybe, I didn't joke around because I was sad. Maybe I joke because it's fun. Well, who cares. I won't bug you anymore."

"You don't bug me! I love it when you joke around."

"Stop lying to me." Perry pocketed Elvis and stood up. "Just stop."

"I'm not lying."

Perry pushed past him and left the room.

* * *

"I wish I could go, Stacy. But my dad's out shopping and he left me in charge." Candace told her cell phone. "And both Phineas and Ferb are like, dead. Well, they're not ACTUALLY dead, but if you saw them, you'd think they were. Ferb caught Phineas's flu thing. And their stupid platypus keeps falling asleep on my lap and drooling on me!"

Perry rolled over in Candace's lap and purred.

"EW." Candace said. "Get OFF!"

She tried to shake him off. Perry hooked his claws into her skirt.

"EEEKK!" Candace screamed. She stood up. Perry still remained attached to her skirt.

She stormed upstairs and shoved the bedroom door open. "PHINEAS AND FERB! YOUR STUPID UGLY SMELLY PLATYPUS IS CLAWING INTO MY SKIRT AND HE WON'T GET OFF!"

"Huh?" Phineas mumbled, not opening his eyes.

"How do I GET HIM OFF?" Candace demanded.

"Eggplant." Phineas murmured.

Ferb coughed. He was a little more conscious than Phineas was. "Just… pull him off."

Candace tugged on Perry, and he came free. Perry growled at her. She tossed him on the floor.

"Keep your ugly platypus in your room." Candace said.

"He's… afraid of germs." Ferb said sleepily.

"Ferb, he's a PLATYPUS. They don't DO much."

Phineas threw up on the floor. The instant Ferb saw, he did the same.

Perry joined in just for fun.

"EEEWWWW!" Candace shouted. "WHEN DAD GETS BACK, YOU TWO ARE TOTALLY BUSTED!"

"For throwing up on the floor?" Phineas mumbled.

Candace didn't respond. She turned and stomped out of the room.

"Wait until she sees what I did on her bed." Perry told the boys.

Phineas blinked, but he didn't really respond otherwise.

Concerned, Perry lay down in between their beds. "Feel better." He whispered.

Phineas tried to smile.

"EEEEEEKKK! PHINEAS AND FERB, YOUR PLATYPUS WET MY BED!"


	5. Chapter 5

"They both have fevers of one hundred and three. That's pretty high. Keep them in bed." The doctor advised.

Perry was chewing on the doctor's pants.

"What is that?" The doctor asked.

"That's Perry, the family pet." Lawrence said.

"Why is it chewing on my pants?"

"I am uncertain."

Perry backed up, still holding a bit of the pant leg in his mouth. The pant leg began to stretch.

"Drop it, Perry." Lawrence commanded.

Perry let go. The pant leg snapped back.

The doctor sighed. He stood up and handed Lawrence a prescription. "Once you get the bottle, give them a spoonful every two hours. You might also want to give them ice packs. And only clear liquids. They can have food again when they haven't regurgitated for twenty-four hours. Try to wash your hands as much as possible. They're very contagious. Just touching something they've touched is enough to catch it."

"No sharing allowed." Perry chattered. He went down to the kitchen to get something out of the fridge.

* * *

"Ah, Agent P." Monogram said. "Good to see you came in today. I heard about the boys. I'm very sorry, and I hope they get well soon- what happened to your arm?"

Perry looked down at his arm. He had almost forgotten about the little furless rectangular patch.

"Never mind. Do you have your egg?"

Perry reached into his pocket and handed Monogram an egg he had taken from the fridge that morning.

"Wow, Agent P." Monogram said as he inspected the egg. "I am very impressed. You managed to care for the egg for an entire week."

Perry shrugged.

"Excellent work. I will mark off the Baby Care Training as successfully completed." Monogram beamed at him.

Perry pointed toward the ceiling.

"Oh, yes. I'll tell Carl to fix those cracks."

Perry pointed again.

"Oh, you want to go back home?" Monogram sighed. "I suppose… I'll call Sergei and see if he can fill in for you. I hope your owners get better soon."

* * *

Perry chewed on Candace's shoe.

"Ow!" Candace said. "Dad, make him stop!"

Lawrence was on the phone. "Are you sure you don't have any more? We really need the medicine… well, can you check in the back?"

Perry walked around to the other side of Candace's shoe to get a better chewing angle. He stepped on the remote.

"Platypuses are semi-aquatic creatures." The TV said. "Baby platypuses have milk teeth. When the platypuses grow into adults, they lose their teeth. What would happen if the growth of a platypus was slowed by, say, evolution? Perhaps the teeth would fall out much slower."

So that's why his teeth weren't growing back like human teeth did. Perry chewed a small hole in the shoe.

"Platypuses like to eat bugs and worms. They do not live in groups. They like to live and hunt alone."

"I see. Well, thank you for trying." Lawrence said. He hung up. "Oh dear. The pharmacy is out of the medicine we need for the boys."

Perry stopped in mid-chew.

"I'll call Linda." Lawrence said.

Perry was already out the pet flap by the time Lawrence started to dial.

* * *

Perry climbed over the fence that separated Danville Alley from the sidewalk. A former agent known as Chase the cat had come to live in the alley to pursue a career in medical research.

All he had accomplished so far was owning a tiny secret pharmacy down in the darkest corner of Danville Alley, known only to agents and a select group of animals. It was always stocked full with medicines that Chase bought from other pharmacies and concocted himself. If a medicine wasn't available in any store, it was available in Chase's.

Perry didn't know much about Chase himself. Chase had been at the agency before Perry, and all Perry knew was that Chase and Carrie the cat had been mates at one point, and that there might have been some kittens involved. What had happened to them, no one was sure, and Carrie had never been willing to spill any details.

Perry crept down to the end of the alley and knocked on a small door that appeared to have been boarded up.

The door opened a little, and a short gray cat peeked through at him. "What's your business?"

"I need medicine."

"Are you sick? There's some nasty thing going around. I don't wanna catch it."

"I'm fine. It's for my owners."

"All right." The cat opened the door and motioned him inside. "Come on in."

The shop was lit up by dim bulbs. Shelves that looked as though they were about to fall over were stocked with hundreds of tiny bottles.

A thinner, older-looking gray cat was standing near the door. "Ah. An O.W.C.A agent. Welcome. I'm Chase." He held out his paw, and Perry shook it.

"I need flu medicine." Perry said.

Chase sucked in his breath. "Flu. Lots of people have been getting that. I hope I have some left. It'll be towards the back right of the store. My son can help you find-"

The cat that had let Perry in was already heading into a storeroom behind the counter.

"Probably going to read one of those fashion magazines." Chase muttered. "Let me know if you don't see it. I have to sort out some bottles."

Perry went in the direction Chase had indicated and looked through the bottles on one of the shelves.

INFLUENZA MEDICINE was printed on only one bottle. It was large bottle filled with purple liquid. Perry picked it up at the same time as someone else.

He turned to face her.

Poppy looked astounded to see him, but she recovered quickly. "Hey."

Perry gave her a nod. He didn't loosen his grip on the bottle.

Neither did she.

"Someone sick?" He asked.

"The twins." Poppy said. "Paisley and Peppily."

"My owners." Perry explained.

"Oh."

She gave a slight tug on the bottle, trying to get it out of his hand. Perry grabbed her wrist with his free hand.

She quickly backed away, and he pressed her against the wall, still grasping the bottle.

As Perry struggled with Poppy, he also faced an internal struggle. His own sons were suffering from the same illness as his owners. But if he let Poppy take the bottle, his owners wouldn't get the medicine they needed…

"Give me half." He begged, his voice shaking.

"What?"

"Give me half. It'll be enough. Look, I'll pay for the whole thing. You take half home, and I take half. It will be enough."

Poppy watched him cautiously. Perry could tell she was deciding between doing as he said and kicking him in the sensitive area.

"You'd deprive your sons of something they need?" Poppy said slowly.

"If they weren't my sons, I'd have torn that bottle out of your hands by now."

Poppy's eyes narrowed. Perry couldn't tell what she was thinking.

With a final burst of strength, Poppy yanked the bottle out of his hand and made her way toward the front of the store. Perry followed, set on attacking her for the medicine.

"Pour half into another bottle." Poppy told Chase, handing him the medicine.

Chase gave her an odd look, but he separated the medicine. Poppy gave Perry one of the bottles.

"Thanks." Perry said.

"How much?" Poppy asked Chase, ignoring Perry.

"Ten bucks. In cash, please."

"I can pay half..." Perry began.

Poppy slammed her money on the counter and left. Chase motioned for Perry to come over.

"I saw you guys fighting back there. Don't take that personally."

"What?"

"Her just leaving without saying a word to you. My mate snubbed me whenever something was wrong with our kitten. It's a maternal thing. They can't control it. They get all angry. I was afraid she was gonna rip you apart back there."

Perry was still focused on the first part of his sentence. "Carrie doesn't seem like the type to snub. She's so…"

"Out of it?" Chase smiled a little. "She hides a lot behind all of that. Something tells me you hide a lot behind that stare of yours as well."

"I need to get going. I have to get this back to my owners." Perry said.

"We hope you will come again." Chase said.

"You need to work on that goodbye. That sounds like 'We hope a loved one will get sick again'."

Chase laughed. "Good point."

* * *

"Perry, please stop ignoring me."

Perry ignored Pinky and turned the page in his book.

"Perry."

"This is an interesting book."

Darren the duck sat down at the table with Perry and Pinky. "Hey guys, what's up?"

"Perry's ignoring me, and I can't get him to listen to me."

"He's not ignoring you. He's probably just in bookland again. You know how he gets."

"Darren, there is no way he's that absorbed in 'Cat on a mat'."

"Well, excuse me, but Cat on a Mat is a very intriguing book. 'Cat on a mat. Cat sees Pat. Pat pats Cat. Cat sees Rat. Rat sees Bat. Pat has a hat. So does Bat. Bat's hat is phat.'"

"Stop it." Pinky said.

Perry snorted.

"I mean… um…" Pinky looked down at his lap. "Look, Perry. I'm really sorry about everything… I said earlier."

"And?"

"And I hope you forgive me."

"Don't hold your breath." Perry pretended to study the picture of Pat patting Cat.

"You're so stubborn!" Pinky groaned.

"Please stop making everything you hate about me a public matter." Perry snapped.

"Oh. So that's why you were mad? Because I was talking about you behind your back? I'm sorry! I won't do it again-"

"I'm just mad that you didn't tell ME what was bugging you! You had to go and tell the whole stinkin' agency that I apparently have issues getting over deaths!"

"I did NOT tell the WHOLE STINKIN' AGENCY THAT YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER TERRENCE'S DEATH!" Pinky shouted.

Perry hid his face in his hands.

Pinky suddenly realized what had just happened. He slowly sat down.

All of the agents in the room were looking at their table.

"Don't you guys have evil to fight or something?" Darren asked them.

"Terrence?" Asked Kyle the kangaroo. "He died?"

"Come to think of it, I hadn't seen him around lately." Edie the elephant commented.

"Aww." Helen the heron patted Perry's shoulder. "No wonder he's been so grouchy all this time. It's okay."

"You have five seconds to take your hand away." Perry growled, his voice muffled slightly by his hands. "Or I'll punch your face SO hard that-"

Helen drew back her wing.

"Guys, go away." Pinky said. "He wants to be alone."

Perry gave a sigh.

Soon, the other animals had all returned to their own business.

"I am really, REALLY sorry." Pinky whispered. "I really love when you joke around. In fact, I've been missing it."

"I'm not in the mood to do so."

"Well… if you ever are in the mood… you can."

"Whatever."


	6. Chapter 6

Perry moved Snugglebear out of the way so he could get in his pet bed.

The concoction he had bought from Chase had worked beautifully. Now both boys were relatively conscious again, and their fevers had gone down.

All that was left to do for the night was fall asleep without giving any thought to how many germs were floating around in the room.

Perry stamped on his pillow a couple of times to soften it up before he flopped down onto it. Within seconds, he was asleep.

* * *

When Perry woke up, Ferb was at the computer. Phineas was peeking over his shoulder.

"Watcha playin'?" Perry asked.

"Ferb's playing Dinovillage 63." Phineas said, with a cough.

"Hush." Ferb said. "I have to sneak my pterodactyl past this brontosaurus."

"Why is your pterodactyl wearing a beanie hat?" Perry asked.

"He likes it." Ferb said defensively.

Suddenly, the brontosaurus let out a roar. A volcano exploded.

Phineas coughed. "Quick, Ferb! Grab the Jurassic Coin and get out of there!"

"But I don't have enough Turbo Ptero power!"

"THEN PRESS THE A KEY SEVEN TIMES!" Phineas shouted. "You know what happens if your dinosaur gets covered in lava!"

"That would be the end of his beanie hat." Perry said.

"No, the computer will…" Phineas began.

Ferb banged on the A key. But it was too late. The lava filled the whole screen.

"GAME OVER" said the computer.

The computer burst into flame. The smoke detector started to beep.

"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Linda called from downstairs. "YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE PLAYING THAT DINOVILLAGE GAME AGAIN!"

"Mom's home!" Phineas cheered. He weakly made his way toward the door.

Ferb extinguished the fire with a small device and followed his brother.

Perry happily sat down and waited for their return. He was glad they were feeling better.

* * *

Perry handed his forms to Monogram.

"Thank you." Monogram said, looking the medical forms over. "You're not due for any vaccines, so I think you can head back home. Don't forget to come in to work tomorrow."

Perry headed for the elevator and nearly crashed into Pinky.

"I… um…" Pinky began.

Perry pushed past him and got in the elevator. Pinky followed.

"You don't live in my house." Perry reminded him.

"I live across the street. I can get there from your backyard."

Perry shrugged.

"Perry, believe me. I really am sorry. I don't want you to stop being yourself. You're one of the most amazing agents ever. And you're my best friend."

Perry didn't answer him.

"And… if you can't forgive me, then I understand." Pinky said softly.

"I did forgive you." Perry muttered. "I just don't want you to tell me that something's okay just because you think it will make me feel better."

"I seriously miss your humor." Pinky said. "You're not the same."

Perry kind of smiled. "Fine. Just don't invite me to any Deloulou movies so I won't get on your nerves again."

"You can make fun of Delores and Timothy all you want!" Pinky said, giving him a hug.

"Timothy? That was his name? They never mentioned it in the whole stinkin' thing!" Perry pushed the elevator button. It started to rise.

"Yes, but that's just the art of it."

"The ART of it? Oh, so not telling anyone your name is artistic, is it? 'Hey, what's your name?' 'Oh, sorry, I'm too artistic to tell you.' 'Gosh, dude, what's your problem?' Maybe that's why the only friend that guy could get was Demphorez."

"I missed ya, Perry." Pinky said.

"I was starting to go a little stir-crazy myself." Perry admitted.


End file.
